Upon me expressing my reluctance and anxiety in coming out to my sister, many people have asked if I thought she already knew. Many people experience this; they come out to family and the family says something to the effect of "I'm glad you finally told me, I already knew". I wish I could have been so lucky.
She says she is in shock.
She says that this is the worst thing that has happened since our mother passed away. I really don't know how to react to this. On the one hand, I understand because from her point of view, I guess it's not to pleasing to think about a loved one burning in hell for eternity. On the other hand, I don't really appreciate her associating me coming clean with her with the single most traumatic event of our lives thus far. Also, the whole hell thing- was she not this upset when I went through not one but two divorces? What about me living with people prior to marriage? Why is this so particularly bad for her?
She says that she associates me as one of her children and that she wishes our mother would have brought us up in church. My mom DID bring me up in church. I went to Parkway Christian Academy for school and to Parkway Christian Church. It wasn't my whole life, but it was for a substantial amount of time during my formative years. As a teenager, I recall dreading church like a plague and being made to go whether I liked it or not. My younger brother not only attended Parkway Christian Academy for elementary school, but also went on to graduate from Jefferson Christian Academy. It wasn't like we lived at the church, but we certainly were brought up like the average christian so it wasn't like I was raised by a godless hippie goddess (if only!).
She says that this past week, she has cried more than any other time in her life and had sleepless nights. More than ANY other time in her life... I don't even... She has been through some serious hard times. Surely we share the worst was watching our vibrant, beautiful mother wither away from cancer. She also has had her own share of emotionally trying times before the birth of her first child. Multiple miscarriages had to have left her drained. I have experienced a miscarriage myself so I know how terrible that feels. Her first child was born at only 27 weeks. He was so small, that his father's wedding ring fit all the way to the top around his little arm. It was a terribly emotional time for the family holding our breath to see if he was going to make it or not. I just don't get how she can elevate this to this type of level. Maybe I am reading into her words too much.
She says this life that I have chosen has no future. It is lonely and destructive. I think it is lonely and destructive to think about a life where I have to lie about this part of who I am. Until just over a month ago, I had a girlfriend for nearly two years. I avoided my family coming to visit. I avoided talking about romance and dating. I feared slipping up and mentioning her in a light that would seem more than my 'room mate'. I felt dishonest every time I was around her or spoke to her.
She says she doesn't want me to talk about this with the kids or try to make them understand my lifestyle choice. She says that she doesn't want them to think that this is ok. I guess the alternative is that she would rather them come to grips with the fact that their favorite aunt is going to burn for eternity.
She is saying too much, but then again I think you were expecting this. The bright side is this...you have laid a path that might eventually, later rather than sooner, lead to your sister becoming more open minded. It sounds like a long shot, but I remember coming out to my mother when I was 18. She was devastated and struggled with the contradiction of her faith and her son's sexuality. There were years in between that moment and the day when she finally accepted it and let go of the idea that I was hell bound. I remember a moment when my father and I literally got into a physical altercation over my sexuality, which ended up with me leaving their house forever. But, even if reluctantly, they finally realized I was their gay son. Of course now, Alex comes over on visits to see them and we all talk openly about it. Dad even asks about Alex when we're talking on the phone, yada yada yada. Give your sister some time, even if she is being overly dramatic, and let's hope that one day she surprises the hell out of you...literally ;)
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