Tables Turned

When people come out to the most difficult loved ones in their lives, it can often morph into a kind of apology if not kept in check.  I think this is because many times the person is shamed into this.  Or maybe they are so co-dependently overcompensating, knowing that the news they have just delivered is considered the worst news they ever could have delivered to that person.  Obviously, this is not true but it certainly can feel like that to the recipient.  My sister told me that this was the worst thing to happen since our dear mother died 11 years ago.  She said she cried more than she had in her whole life.  Sleepless nights and despair were all that was in store for her upon hearing the news that her baby sister was a Judy.  

When faced with years of shame and guilt, it can be easy for one to find themselves sort of being apologetic rather than proud when they come out to this type of person.  A beaten down dog comes to mind.  It's like you are giving them some news of some horrible act you have committed and should be remorseful for.  In their mind, you SHOULD be sorry and remorseful and shameful.  And you should also be begging for prayers and forgiveness for this terrible, awful, dark thing.  

This brings to mind a friend.  He is completely out to his whole family and has been for years.  He has a good relationship with his mother and father and sees them everyday at work.  He is a faithful servant of the lord (not that it makes any difference to me but some people measure the man by the devotion to his faith).  He told me the other day that his brother took it particularly hard when he came out.  Although this has been years in the past, he told me that he was told "not to bring that around the kids" and that he understood this.  Now, as a happy, out, gay man how the hell can he tolerate that?  To me, the fact that YEARS later, he can sit and tell me that he understands this kind of blows my mind and makes me feel like this has weighted his self esteem down to the ground.  It makes me wonder if he is perpetually single partially because he can never be allowed to share that part of his life with his family as a group.  That makes me sad.  

Another issue with this is this.  What does the brother mean when he says not to "bring that around the kids"?  Bring what?  Does he no longer give this guy credit not to move the Thanksgiving turkey to the side so he can blow his dinner date?  Anyway, I could go on forever about why this irks me terribly but I will save that for later.

Dan Savage has the best advice and attitude about this that I have ever heard.  He basically says come out, let them have their time to freak about it, then draw a line at some point (he says a year).  Draw a line and in some way send the message "this is me, deal with it, accept it or YOU wont have ME in YOUR life" instead of worrying that they are going to disown YOU.  Turn the tables.  Be proud, don't be apologetic.

This is EXACTLY what I did recently.  I was SO nervous that my sister was going to never want to associate with me again that it kept me from coming out for years.  Once I did, I tried everything I could to tolerate her hurtful comments.  I tried to understand her perspective and how that made her experience with this very painful.  I DO understand.  But when it came to a certain point where I felt like it was simply unproductive and served no other purpose but to try and make me sorry, I cut off the conversation.  I simply asked for a break.