Coming Out

One week ago, I did something that I had dreaded for a long time.  I came out to the last person left on my invisible list.  There is a reason why she was last.  My sister, an evangelical christian, is definitely the worst person I could think of to have to tell that I am gay.  My biological father, my step mother, my surrogate 'black momma', they were all told first and all advised me not to tell my sister about this.  People have asked me why she was particularly hard to tell so let me elaborate.

My mother and stepfather passed away when I was 28.  Sparing the details, I will just say that their deaths were only 5 months apart and has proven to be the single most life changing event that I have gone through.  This is when my older sister, 11 years my senior, became a kind of matriarchal figure in my family.  Thanksgivings and Christmases were now spent in Georgia.  Family financial matters like executing the will, taking care of my younger brother, and the selling of my parents house were now the responsibility of my sister.  This is the dynamic that has persisted for the last 11 years.  

My sister has minced no words over the years about her position on homosexuality.  She has openly disparaged gay people and has repeatedly demonstrated that she is not interested in opening her mind to another view point.  She is driven by her faith to justify her position, but it's more than just her faith that makes her so terribly unable to accept homosexuality as a valid, real identity.  It seems to be that she has judge and jury decided that she knows what homosexuality is.  In her own words, it is 'dark, destructive, and lonely' and the lifestyle has 'no future'.  Hell, she even thinks she knows how ALL homosexual people are.  Here is a gem of an example; she hates Ellen- HATES Ellen Degenerous because she said she uses her talk show to push her gay agenda and just flaunts her gayness all over the place!  If anyone has any familiarity with Ms. Degenerous, it is obvious that she actually does the opposite of that.  But I digress.

To my knowledge, no one in the family has any exposure to anyone that is not from their church.  The family as a whole is highly involved in the church, going there multiple times a week every week without fail.  My brother in law is a missionary and they have even traveled to Israel on a vacation (presumably to be close to Jesus).  

My niece and nephew were also a reason why I never said anything before now.  I always say that I never wanted kids, and that they are the ONLY kids I am ever going to have.  I absolutely adore them.  I used to fear that if I came out to her, she would keep me from seeing the kids.  I always thought that I would wait until they were of college age or at least latter high school years.  They are home schooled and as I mentioned not ever exposed to any other flavor other than strict fundamentalist christianity so it's kind of impossible to expect that they will in any way be able to understand how to separate mom's opinions from their own.  

So yeah, I wasn't planning on it.  I woke up that day and had no idea that this was the day for me to live 100% honestly and tell that last person.  I have endured some pretty horrible comments since then.  The threat of losing my relationship with the kids has gone from speculation and worry to a very real possibility.  At first she said she wouldn't keep me from seeing them.  Now that we have begun to talk, it seems like it is going in that direction since I won't agree to uphold this myth that I am going to hell.  Basically, she doesn't want me to talk to the kids and try to 'make them understand' my 'lifestyle choice' (her words).  She says that if I am really an honest person, I would want for them to believe that my 'lifestyle choice' is ultimately going to send me to hell.  

Forget the fact that I saw no need in even telling the kids at this time.  Forget the fact that, despite me being the polar opposite in almost every way possible, I have NEVER tried to influence the kids in any way.  Forget the fact that I have always respected her role as their mother.  I will never feel the need to pull an Ellen and push my gay agenda to anyone, certainly not the kids.  But I will NOT (if asked) perpetuate what I consider a lie and I certainly will NOT disparage who I am by pretending that there is something damningly wrong with me.  It's for this that I may lose some time with two of the most precious people in my life.  

I hope I am overreacting right now.