SMOKERS

I always vowed never to become an asshole non smoker.  You know the type?  They expect everyone to revolve around what THEY want.  The mere sight of another person smoking produces a strained cough and judgemental glare from 20 yards away.  They complain of smoke in bars...BARS even!   I would say "I could go on", but I actually can't go on.  I can't think of another example because slowly I am turning into an asshole non smoker.  What I said I would never do is now, after 10 years of not smoking, unfolding in front of me.  Let's see how I got here.

I started smoking when I was around 13-14 years old.  I used to steal my step father's Winstons in the gold and white pack.  He bought them by the carton and it was never noticed.  My friend Tanya and I used to go to elaborate extremes to hide our revelry.  I remember going behind our wooden privacy fence, hiding from the housekeeper in the hall bathroom with the shower on and the window open, or walking to the bike trail two blocks away.  It was quite the effort just to get some puffs in and not even inhale.  That's right.  I didn't inhale for the first 3-4 months I 'smoked'.  It wasn't until I started smoking weed that I learned to inhale, but I digress.

I LOVED smoking. Smoking was there if you were bored. If you were at a bar waiting on a friend, you could smoke to have something to do. If you ate too much, smoking would settle your stomach. Smoking in the car made the ride that much better. Smoking made the bourbon taste much better. Smoking made the weed high much better. Smoking calmed my nerves when I was nervous or pissed. It was a social outlet. I really loved smoking.

Anyway, roughly 14 years later I truly quit.  Sure, I had 'quit' a few times before; one week here, one month there, another time when I actually went for about a year, etc.  None of those times really stuck because I wasn't quitting because I really wanted to.  I was quitting out of circumstance mostly.  (The longest time was because I started dating this guy who didn't approve but truth be known, I still smoked with my friends when I saw them on rare occasions.  Sorry, Craig.) 

The last time I quit, I have to say it was also partially out of circumstance.  I had wanted to, and had cut down, but until I started dating a non smoker, it had proved to be more difficult than I was willing to power through and I would always end up smoking when I drank.  Once our relationship started, I felt bad smoking.  He had never smoked a cigarette in his life.  I imagined that he would feel as if he were kissing an ashtray.  Once our relationship progressed to the point where we weren't going out to the bar as much, this definitely made things easier. 

As a non smoker for the majority of the last 10 years, I have been incredibly tolerant of smokers.  When the debate raged over laws prohibiting smoking in public places like restaurants in Birmingham, I sided with the smokers and bar/restaurant owners.  I didn't feel that smoking should be prohibited, I felt it should be up to the owner of the business to decide, but that they should be offered incentives to make their establishments non smoking.  I still feel this way. 

I have been so tolerant as to even date smokers and never even mention the Q word to them.  In fact, most recently, I was asked by my girl to toughen up on her to help her quit smoking.  I am happy to oblige and since she asked, I will hold her to this.  Here I go getting off track again, sorry.

My point is that although  I have held steady being Ms. Tolerant of smokers for a near decade now, I am finding it increasingly difficult.  I think it is because you smokers are fucking RUDE. 

Yep.  FUCKING RUDE ASSES.

Exhibit #1-  Recently, I came home from a half day's work still hungover from the night before, feeling nauseated and dying to get into my bed with my damn dog.  I came home and immediately took the full trash out, which put me directly in the line of sight of the back yard.  Now, what did I see?  First of all, there were about 6 Michelob Ultra bottles on the table.  I don't drink MU, and this blog isn't about crappy beer but it's important for the white trash visual that I had.  So, this drives me crazy so I go to the table and begin picking them up.  It was then that I saw the most infuriating sight I had witnessed in some substantial measure of time.  At LEAST 8 cigarette butts thrown carelessly down into the grass next to the patio and maybe 12 INCHES from the container that I had previously set up for the RUDE ASS FUCKING SMOKERS to ash in.  Now, I need to make a concession or I am going to misrepresent myself here.  I KNOW this wasn't my regulars, Derek and Mandy, friend and room mate.  This was a guest in my home who I had just met a few hours prior.  As delightful as she was to be around, doesn't this make it WORSE?  I mean, you are going to go to someones house for the first time and just throw cigarettes down in the freshly cut and trimmed yard?  Does she also wipe boogers on the couch seats?  Or piss on the toilet and leave it there?  I doubt it but for some reason, this is supposed to be ok.  VERDICT- RUDE. 

Exhibit #2-  I go to church most Wednesday nights.  Church, as we call it, is a Mexican Restaurant in Calera where the Italian Margarita is king.  They have a smoking section and a non smoking section.  Of course, most nights we sit in the smoking section (I go with 2 smokers).  I had not ever complained too much about it, but one day I called 'non smoking' faster than you could cough up some smokers phlegm first thing in the morning.  We sat in non smoking and I was delighted that I didn't have to reach over a full ashtray to dip my chips in the salsa.  I didn't miss the visual of chips, salsa, dirty ashtray...just waiting on an ash to fall in that damn salsa.  I was overjoyed that I could breath freely and not have smoke enter my lungs unsolicited.  So, the next time, we sat in smoking and then again in non smoking.  As this became a little more routine, I felt a little competition from my little friend, Derek.  He would start to call smoking by calling Mandy and making sure I knew. He made sure to inch his way in the door before me to make SURE his precious cancer sticks could be burned at any time.  The other night, he mentioned it to me at my house and I said that the last time we went, we sat in smoking so it was our turn to sit in non smoking.  I feel this is a fair compromise.  He does not, apparently because he has informed me that we are sitting in smoking.  I then replied that I wouldn't go and here we are now today.  I wasn't trying to be dramatic, but it's my prerogative if I don't want to give in to an unfair system in favor of the filthy smokers.  That's right.  FILTHY.  VERDICT- RUDE.

Now, there have been other things.  I have recently had a dear friend smoke IN my car without even asking first because he HAD to.  Never mind the fact that we had just been outside and he could have smoked then.  After having parties, I have found half smoked cigarettes INSIDE my house on multiple occasions.   I have also had the displeasure of cleaning up beer bottles and cups with ashes and butts when they were sitting adjacent to an empty trash can. 

The thing is, when you are a smoker, you can't understand these things.  You really don't realize how much the smoke and ashes and butts offend your senses until you have been away from it for a long time.  I never knew how disgusting my habit was until many years later. You really have to take a distance from it to appreciate just how much of a gross habit it really is.  Now, I know there are going to be those who think I am taking it too the extreme.  I know a particular friend of mine who hardly smokes anymore and she doesn't feel this way.  I don't care to hear it from someone who still smokes on the weekends.  You are still a smoker if you only smoke on the weekends and you haven't gotten away from it enough to be turned off by it or you wouldn't still be falling off the wagon on Saturday nights. 

I propose a few simple manners for the smokers:

1.  ASK if you can smoke in someones car.  Seriously.  Did this even need to be mentioned?

2.  ASK if you can smoke outside on the patio of someones home and for fucks sake if you do, please ASK where to ash and throw your wretched butts.

3.  Learn to compromise with your non smoking friends.  OR just don't be friends with them anymore.  Problem solved.  Or quit smoking. 

4.  Open your mind and your legs will follow.  Ok, I just like saying that but seriously, be open to the possibility that you aren't having the same suffocating experience that your non smoking buds are.  You are busy puffing away, polluting the air while we are having to turn our heads to breath.  Do you also piss in the fishbowl? 

Once last thing, I am in NO WAY ranting on about what people do in their own homes.  If I am at someones house and they want to chain smoke away, then so be it.  I have no authority there and I am choosing to be there.  I think all of you should know, I NEVER have complained at other's homes.  The worst I will do is simply empty the ashtray for them and who would be upset about that?  (A full ashtray is a terrible awful pet peeve of mine.  I would have LOVED having me around when I was a smoker)

So there it is smokers.  Come after me like a shark in blood infested waters.  I know I am paddling out alone in this.  I chart this territory in the name of clean air, clean yards, and ash free salsa.  Write a retaliatory blog about it.  I can't wait to see how one would excuse this atrocious behavior.  In the words of Ms. Benetar, hit me with your best shot.  Go smoke a cigarette first, then tell me what you think. 

(for the record- I ain't mad atcha.  I got enough shit I am trying to work on so if I seemed like I was trying to offend, ask yourself if you know me well.)