Tables Turned

When people come out to the most difficult loved ones in their lives, it can often morph into a kind of apology if not kept in check.  I think this is because many times the person is shamed into this.  Or maybe they are so co-dependently overcompensating, knowing that the news they have just delivered is considered the worst news they ever could have delivered to that person.  Obviously, this is not true but it certainly can feel like that to the recipient.  My sister told me that this was the worst thing to happen since our dear mother died 11 years ago.  She said she cried more than she had in her whole life.  Sleepless nights and despair were all that was in store for her upon hearing the news that her baby sister was a Judy.  

When faced with years of shame and guilt, it can be easy for one to find themselves sort of being apologetic rather than proud when they come out to this type of person.  A beaten down dog comes to mind.  It's like you are giving them some news of some horrible act you have committed and should be remorseful for.  In their mind, you SHOULD be sorry and remorseful and shameful.  And you should also be begging for prayers and forgiveness for this terrible, awful, dark thing.  

This brings to mind a friend.  He is completely out to his whole family and has been for years.  He has a good relationship with his mother and father and sees them everyday at work.  He is a faithful servant of the lord (not that it makes any difference to me but some people measure the man by the devotion to his faith).  He told me the other day that his brother took it particularly hard when he came out.  Although this has been years in the past, he told me that he was told "not to bring that around the kids" and that he understood this.  Now, as a happy, out, gay man how the hell can he tolerate that?  To me, the fact that YEARS later, he can sit and tell me that he understands this kind of blows my mind and makes me feel like this has weighted his self esteem down to the ground.  It makes me wonder if he is perpetually single partially because he can never be allowed to share that part of his life with his family as a group.  That makes me sad.  

Another issue with this is this.  What does the brother mean when he says not to "bring that around the kids"?  Bring what?  Does he no longer give this guy credit not to move the Thanksgiving turkey to the side so he can blow his dinner date?  Anyway, I could go on forever about why this irks me terribly but I will save that for later.

Dan Savage has the best advice and attitude about this that I have ever heard.  He basically says come out, let them have their time to freak about it, then draw a line at some point (he says a year).  Draw a line and in some way send the message "this is me, deal with it, accept it or YOU wont have ME in YOUR life" instead of worrying that they are going to disown YOU.  Turn the tables.  Be proud, don't be apologetic.

This is EXACTLY what I did recently.  I was SO nervous that my sister was going to never want to associate with me again that it kept me from coming out for years.  Once I did, I tried everything I could to tolerate her hurtful comments.  I tried to understand her perspective and how that made her experience with this very painful.  I DO understand.  But when it came to a certain point where I felt like it was simply unproductive and served no other purpose but to try and make me sorry, I cut off the conversation.  I simply asked for a break.  

She says

Upon me expressing my reluctance and anxiety in coming out to my sister, many people have asked if I thought she already knew.  Many people experience this; they come out to family and the family says something to the effect of "I'm glad you finally told me, I already knew".  I wish I could have been so lucky.  

She says she is in shock.  

She says that this is the worst thing that has happened since our mother passed away.  I really don't know how to react to this.  On the one hand, I understand because from her point of view, I guess it's not to pleasing to think about a loved one burning in hell for eternity.  On the other hand, I don't really appreciate her associating me coming clean with her with the single most traumatic event of our lives thus far.  Also, the whole hell thing- was she not this upset when I went through not one but two divorces?  What about me living with people prior to marriage?  Why is this so particularly bad for her?  

She says that she associates me as one of her children and that she wishes our mother would have brought us up in church.  My mom DID bring me up in church.  I went to Parkway Christian Academy for school and to Parkway Christian Church.  It wasn't my whole life, but it was for a substantial amount of time during my formative years.  As a teenager, I recall dreading church like a plague and being made to go whether I liked it or not.  My younger brother not only attended Parkway Christian Academy for elementary school, but also went on to graduate from Jefferson Christian Academy.  It wasn't like we lived at the church, but we certainly were brought up like the average christian so it wasn't like I was raised by a godless hippie goddess (if only!).  

She says that this past week, she has cried more than any other time in her life and had sleepless nights.  More than ANY other time in her life...  I don't even...  She has been through some serious hard times.  Surely we share the worst was watching our vibrant, beautiful mother wither away from cancer.  She also has had her own share of emotionally trying times before the birth of her first child.  Multiple miscarriages had to have left her drained.  I have experienced a miscarriage myself so I know how terrible that feels.  Her first child was born at only 27 weeks.  He was so small, that his father's wedding ring fit all the way to the top around his little arm.  It was a terribly emotional time for the family holding our breath to see if he was going to make it or not.  I just don't get how she can elevate this to this type of level.  Maybe I am reading into her words too much.  

She says this life that I have chosen has no future.  It is lonely and destructive.  I think it is lonely and destructive to think about a life where I have to lie about this part of who I am.  Until just over a month ago, I had a girlfriend for nearly two years.  I avoided my family coming to visit.  I avoided talking about romance and dating.  I feared slipping up and mentioning her in a light that would seem more than my 'room mate'.  I felt dishonest every time I was around her or spoke to her.  

She says she doesn't want me to talk about this with the kids or try to make them understand my lifestyle choice.  She says that she doesn't want them to think that this is ok.  I guess the alternative is that she would rather them come to grips with the fact that their favorite aunt is going to burn for eternity.  

Coming Out

One week ago, I did something that I had dreaded for a long time.  I came out to the last person left on my invisible list.  There is a reason why she was last.  My sister, an evangelical christian, is definitely the worst person I could think of to have to tell that I am gay.  My biological father, my step mother, my surrogate 'black momma', they were all told first and all advised me not to tell my sister about this.  People have asked me why she was particularly hard to tell so let me elaborate.

My mother and stepfather passed away when I was 28.  Sparing the details, I will just say that their deaths were only 5 months apart and has proven to be the single most life changing event that I have gone through.  This is when my older sister, 11 years my senior, became a kind of matriarchal figure in my family.  Thanksgivings and Christmases were now spent in Georgia.  Family financial matters like executing the will, taking care of my younger brother, and the selling of my parents house were now the responsibility of my sister.  This is the dynamic that has persisted for the last 11 years.  

My sister has minced no words over the years about her position on homosexuality.  She has openly disparaged gay people and has repeatedly demonstrated that she is not interested in opening her mind to another view point.  She is driven by her faith to justify her position, but it's more than just her faith that makes her so terribly unable to accept homosexuality as a valid, real identity.  It seems to be that she has judge and jury decided that she knows what homosexuality is.  In her own words, it is 'dark, destructive, and lonely' and the lifestyle has 'no future'.  Hell, she even thinks she knows how ALL homosexual people are.  Here is a gem of an example; she hates Ellen- HATES Ellen Degenerous because she said she uses her talk show to push her gay agenda and just flaunts her gayness all over the place!  If anyone has any familiarity with Ms. Degenerous, it is obvious that she actually does the opposite of that.  But I digress.

To my knowledge, no one in the family has any exposure to anyone that is not from their church.  The family as a whole is highly involved in the church, going there multiple times a week every week without fail.  My brother in law is a missionary and they have even traveled to Israel on a vacation (presumably to be close to Jesus).  

My niece and nephew were also a reason why I never said anything before now.  I always say that I never wanted kids, and that they are the ONLY kids I am ever going to have.  I absolutely adore them.  I used to fear that if I came out to her, she would keep me from seeing the kids.  I always thought that I would wait until they were of college age or at least latter high school years.  They are home schooled and as I mentioned not ever exposed to any other flavor other than strict fundamentalist christianity so it's kind of impossible to expect that they will in any way be able to understand how to separate mom's opinions from their own.  

So yeah, I wasn't planning on it.  I woke up that day and had no idea that this was the day for me to live 100% honestly and tell that last person.  I have endured some pretty horrible comments since then.  The threat of losing my relationship with the kids has gone from speculation and worry to a very real possibility.  At first she said she wouldn't keep me from seeing them.  Now that we have begun to talk, it seems like it is going in that direction since I won't agree to uphold this myth that I am going to hell.  Basically, she doesn't want me to talk to the kids and try to 'make them understand' my 'lifestyle choice' (her words).  She says that if I am really an honest person, I would want for them to believe that my 'lifestyle choice' is ultimately going to send me to hell.  

Forget the fact that I saw no need in even telling the kids at this time.  Forget the fact that, despite me being the polar opposite in almost every way possible, I have NEVER tried to influence the kids in any way.  Forget the fact that I have always respected her role as their mother.  I will never feel the need to pull an Ellen and push my gay agenda to anyone, certainly not the kids.  But I will NOT (if asked) perpetuate what I consider a lie and I certainly will NOT disparage who I am by pretending that there is something damningly wrong with me.  It's for this that I may lose some time with two of the most precious people in my life.  

I hope I am overreacting right now.