Dan Savage is my favorite advice columnist. I listen to his podcast every Tuesday. For the most part, I agree with his advice and even feel like he was better able to put into words the things I have felt before but have been unable to express it as eloquently. That was not the case for one of the calls I listened to on episode 223.
A gay woman, we'll call her Judy, called to say that she had a friend from high school that had become more conservative and religious over the years as she had become more active in queer community activism and more liberal. (A pretty common scenario, two high school friends drifting in different directions.) Judy said that her friend had become active in a church that felt that homosexuality was a sin (wow, what a surprise), but equal to all other sins. She told her friend that this offended her and her friend acknowledged that it upset her.
One night, Judy got drunk at the local Beaver Trap and decided to call her friend and tell her that they couldn't be friends anymore. I guess she left her a message because she didn't mention what her friend's response was, only that at some time later, she received a letter from her friend. The letter stated that she loves Judy and that she would love any woman that Judy loved. She asked to remain in contact, but expressed that she would respect her wishes in any case.
Judy then went on to say that her friend is an amazing woman and that she doesn't really think that her friend truly believes that homosexuality is a sin. She then asked Dan if she should maintain contact with this woman or not.
Dan, sounding pretty weak, started by saying that he was pro-friend and that he didn't want to tell her not to be this amazing woman's friend. He then went onto sarcastically refer to the woman as 'amazing' no less than four times. It was obvious that a big BUT was right around the corner. Just as he finished referring to her as an amazing person doing dreadful things, including child abuse because she is a youth group leader at her church, he said the if he were in her shoes he would "dump her and have nothing to do with this woman". He then went onto say that if she did want to remain in contact, that she should make it conditional. Tell her you won't speak to her until she reads Gay, Straight, and the Reason Why by Simon LeVay as well as some blog posts by John Shore, he said.
He said once again that we wasn't going to tell her to dump this woman, but that he would dump her. He mentioned that she was 'choosing not to walk away from bigotry so she is walking away from me'. He referred to her as a 'harmful, abusive, malicious person' due to her participation in the youth group at church and then said that Judy should help her realize that.
I absolutely wholeheartedly disagree with his advice to dump this friend. This would be no different if I were referring to an atheist being friends with a christian or any other minority person having a different minded friend, provided that no abuse was present.
1. Judy's friend is in no way being disrespectful to her. She even separated her personal belief regarding homosexuality and told her that she loved her and went onto say that she would love whoever Judy loved. That sounds like a caring, open minded, possibly moldable friend. That looks like opportunity to me to remain in contact with a person that you have a long history with and that perhaps could learn and grow to understand unfamiliar territory. Judy's friend obviously gives a shit about her and cares for the friendship or she wouldn't have pressed her to remain in contact. If she defriends her, she is missing an opportunity to have opened another person's mind simply by being herself; the person that Judy's friend cares for. If Judy's friend were berating her in any way, I would tell her to jerk that friendship back immediately.
2. Judy asked for this information. Her friend didn't come to her and talk to her about the terrible sin of homosexuality. So, in my opinion, Judy's friend may never have approached her with this. Her answer was solicited, plain and simple. I imagine more than a few of my friends might be disappointed in my honest opinion on certain matters if they asked. The same is true in reverse as well.
3. Judy's friend has a right to her opinion. Now, you'll not hear me defend any religious matter and I don't think her friend is in the right because I don't believe in sin, god, heaven, hell, etc. However, she can believe whatever she wants. If Judy doesn't respect her friend due to her beliefs, then I can understand her wanting to distance herself. But a person is more than just one thing and it sounded to me like she still liked and respected her friend. She even referred to her as an amazing woman so obviously there are other redeeming qualities about this woman despite her beliefs that are offensive to Judy.
4. How better to fight stereotypes and bigotry than to serve as an example. how can Judy, as Dan advised, show her how bigotted her friend is, if they are not in contact? I turn now to the 'angry atheist' scenario. While, I completely understand where the anger comes from, I am not and do not wish to be seen as an angry, disrespectful, hate all religious people, atheist. Atheists, and gays for that matter, are seen to be immoral people. What if I stayed away and defriended every person who was religious around me? How would they ever have the opportunity to change their mind on that stereotype if not exposed to a smart, well rounded, moral atheist that they cared for as a friend? Ideas need to be challenged and experiencing a bond with someone different is the best way to do that. I don't mean that Judy should get up in her friend's face at every chance to try to change her mind. Judy said that she didn't really believe that her friend believed that homosexuality was a sin. Judy should be that 'other' voice in her friend's life, that counter to the conservative that may prompt her to reexamine her ideas about gay people. Sure, she won't stop believing in god, but that is not what this is about.
I had a conversation with someone last night that advocated defriending. Among other things, their opinion was also that I, as an atheist, should even defriend my christian friends. They also went onto say that they are tired of people and are frustrated. I get this. I really do understand it, but I feel like that is no solution to the problem. Unity, equality, simple respect for another doesn't come from segregation. If we all retreated to our own separate islands with only those who were just like us, well...isn't that a breeding ground for extremism? If you never get to bounce off differing ideas to one another, how can you strengthen your own beliefs much less gain a deeper understanding of another's? What if you have a person in your life who is closeted and needs a role model? How are you going to be there to help them if you've already defriended them?
People are more than one thing. I am not just an atheist, or just bi-sexual, or just a woman, or just from the south, or just liberal. I am all of these things and more and I embrace all of them. I think more people should be less one dimensional and consider the positives that diversity can bring to themselves and others.
